It was kinda bad, and we all said and did things we shouldn't have but we've had plenty of fights before and we always make up. They aint moving back in though! LOL!

                Well, any-hoo, I'm working now.  I'm happy to say I got a job at a nice little cafe here in town and I love working there.  I waitress, cook and do dishes as do we all.  It's never boring thats for sure.  However, Chris, my boyfriend, told my boss that when I came home I was extreamly tired and he thought they were over working me, so she gave me the week off.  I dont like that.  I want to work.  For me going to work is more like getting a break.  I work harder at home than I do at work! LOL!  Oh well, I'll go back to work next week and I just wont let Chris see how tired I really am!  Well, I dont have much time left so I'm gonna wrap this up.  However be watching because one of these days soon I'm gonna put some more of my poems on here and you dont wanna miss those.  This is Crystal, Signing off!!!!!!!!!!

Ok guys chill out I'm gonna put an entry in soon I just don't ever have time to get on my computer anymore.  Too much to do not enough time to do it in.  But I'll get it updated soon.  Look forward to talkin to ya'll again soon.

This is my Uncle Stephen.  He was a really cool guy!  As long as he was there, there was never a dull moment.  He could make you laugh and make you cry.  He had the power to convince you that anything was possible.  I looked up to him as a father figure more than an uncle. 

     One day, I was still living in Kansas where I'm originally from, and I was awakened by the frantic voice of my aunt Tanya (Stephen's little sister).  She said he had been in a wreck and he didn't make it.  It was so terrible!  I couldn't belive it.  I ran across the street and used the phone.  I called my mom and she told me exactly what had happened.  He was coming home, late one night, and they said he had fallen asleep.  Instead of taking the curve in front of him, he went straight.  He hit a telephone pole and the car rolled over on its side.  He was partially ejected out of the passenger side window of his car and it rolled over on top of him, killing him instantly.  He was 34 years old and way to full of life for it to end.  I carry him and his love with me every day of my life and I always will.  Nothing and no one could ever take his place in my heart. 

     The next morning, I sat down with a pen and a piece of paper and this is what came out.

"Today I heard the saddest story,

I think I've ever heard.

Tears came quickly to my eyes

And I couldn't say a word

A newly wed father, brother and uncle

Nephew, cousin and son

Was driving home on a rainy night,

When the day was finally done.

No one knows for sure,

What happend on that curve.

All we'll ever know,

Is that he never tried to swerve.

It was over in a second,

And he never felt a thing.

The story continued on,

But still I hadn't caught his name.

Then the tears began to fall,

From my horrified eyes.

My heart skipped a beat,

And I could hear my own cries.

I didn't even realize,

They were coming from me

The shock hit me right then,

And I could'nt speak or breath

I ran to the phone,

I had to hear it for myself.

But then I heard the same story,

Coming from someone else.

"It's just a dream!" I screamed and screamed

I was having a nightmare or so it seemed.

To this day I still can't choke it down

No more 4 wheeling with you,

Or just cruzin' around.

No more singin' good ol' songs,

Or makin up our own.

No more jammin to the crazies,

Like "Vanilla Ice" or "Tone"

I promise, Stephen, I will miss you.

I'll never forget your face.

And no one in this whole wide world

Will ever take your place.

Go now and rest,

Where you've always wanted to be.

At home with your momma,

For at last, You are free!

     I woke up this morning to the sound of my exicted kids!  They had just woke up and saw all the presents that Santa brought.   So I jumped up and hurried to the living room.  I sat them down and passed out presents.  One by one they tore them open with excited and surprised looks on their cute little faces.  Then when it was all done, of course, I had a living room full of torn up paper, boxes from toys and all that good stuff.  I decided, since I had 3 other places to go today, that I would clean it all up when I got home.  If I had only known how I would feel when I got back home.

     My mother lives right next door to me so, of course, we headed over there next.  We unwrapped presents and helped clean up there.  The whole time, I felt terrible, because she got me and chris both a gift and we couldnt afford to get her anything after buying for the kids.  To top it all of christmas is also her birhtday!  That was the first time of the day that the tears started to stirr in my eyes, but it wouldn't be the last.

     Then we went to a friends house because she had informed us that she had gifts she wanted to give the kids.  I expected one or two gifts for each of them.  Instead, to my surprise, there were 4 for each of them!  Once again, I had nothing to give back.  The tears got closer.

     After that, we headed to Chris's Mom and Dad's house where his whole family was waiting.  They didn't know we were even going to be there until a week ago and I guess that wasn't enough time to buy anything for my kids.  However the other 4 that were there had many many gifts to open and play with.  So my kids sadly sat there and watched the others having fun, until I got pissed and made a trip back to my house to get my kids' new toys so they would at least have something to play with.  Again the tears grew closer.

     Now, before I go on, you should know that May 1st of this year, I lost my dearest Uncle Stephen in a horrific car accident.  He was only 34 years old and more like a father than an uncle.  I have lost many loved ones over the years, but the first holiday season without one of them is always the hardest.

     As I sat and watched his family mingling and laughing, I was overwhelmed by the need to be with mine.  However, I have very few left living.  My Mom, one uncle, two aunts and my grandpa.  My mom lives next door and my uncle lives with me so we're all pretty close, but my two aunts live in kansas (1000 miles away) and my grandpa is in jail because of his alcoholism.  So that narrows it down to two.  Don't get me wrong, I am very greatfull to still have them and I love them very much, but the problem was that we couldn't have christmas dinner together because no one could afford to buy the food.  So I was having dinner with strangers and felt like the outsider intruding on someone elses family, while wishing I could be with mine and doing all of this with no cigarettes!  More tears gathered behind the others.

     Finally, the damm broke and the rain began to fall.  I almost couldn't make it to the bathroom fast enough.  I didn't want anyone to see me.  I stood in there bawling listening to everyone's conversation.  No one had even noticed me gone.  Then finally, after about 15 minutes, I had just managed to dry my bloadshot eyes when someone knocked on the door.  It was Chris.  He said his mom had seen me run in the bathroom and had wondered if I was ok.  I told him my frustrations as the tears started falling again.  He huged me and told me it was ok and asked if I wanted to go home.  I gave him a pathetic look and answered "Please?"  So he said his farewells while I stood there waiting.  Everyone around me pretended no to see my red eyes and cheeks.  Ya know, they wouldnt want to have to ask me what was wrong or even talk to me for that matter.  Finally, we left.  I have never been so relieved to be going home in my life. 

     I walked in my house and remembered the horrible mess that I still had to clean up.  But I would rather clean it for the rest of my life than go through the rest of the day again. 

     I guess you could say, I've seen better days and better holidays.

      Hey Ya'll!  This is my first entry!  I'm kinda new at this and dont really know what to type so bare with me. 

       Well, my life is kinda touch and go.  One day I'm happy and I think everything is gonna work out , and then the next I feel like the world is crashing down around me.  But, ya know, I think everybody has days like that so I don't feel so bad. 

      Well anyways, Im a little tired this morning.  I had a series of weird dreams last night.  I woke up from one of them at about 2 am and couldnt get back to sleep for what seemed like forever.  Then when I finally dozed back off, my fiance Chris, became restless, and kept me up for the rest of the night.

        Chris is great though.  I am 100% sure he is the man I've been waiting for all my life.  Sure, we have our problems, but for the most part, our relationship is awesome. 

       Well anyways, I'm gonna end this for now, because Chris will be home soon and I haven't done one single thing today .  I will post more about myself later.  Ta Ta For Now!